IVF and Gratitude

Hey everyone!  Many of you have become so invested in our story of infertility and we appreciate all of you love, support and prayers.  All your comments on Facebook and Instagram were so kind but I quickly realized that I had made a mistake posting this picture along with UFC+D&M+IVF=BFP:

So...let's back up.  For those who don't know what this means, Utah Fertility Center+Dallin & Michelle+In-Vitro Fertilization=Big Fat Positive.

We started getting congratulations and I thought everyone was congratulating us on starting the IVF process.  NOPE.  You were congratulating me on being pregnant, but I'm not pregnant.  Sorry to burst your bubble!  But this is our ultimate hope.  

To clarify, I'm NOT pregnant.

Not even a little.

Never have been pregnant and it's gonna take a heckuvalotta work to get there.  

But none-the-less, THANK YOU for your congratulations!

We are thrilled to begin IVF and also nervous, terrified, grateful, excited and 

hopeful all at the same time.

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!  

I know many of you might be wondering what exactly IVF is so I wanted to share a video I found that explains it better than I could tell you about it.  You will also hear the words "ICSI" {pronounced ix-ee}.  That is an additional procedure that we will need to do to help us be as successful as possible. 

We are hopeful that our family can grow with this process!  Someone asked if I was excited to start IVF...my answer?

Yes. And No.  

While we are blessed to live in a time that we have the opportunity to have our own biological children I am not sure that anyone would be excited to do this procedure while spending thousands and thousands of dollars when we "should" be able to do this for FREE! *wink wink*

What I am feeling is gratitude.

Excited doesn't really explain my feelings very well but incredibly blessed and so grateful for the technologies available, our Dr...oh, our Dr.!  {That is for another post.} for our friends and family, for the many many prayers said in our behalf and most of all for our Father in Heaven who has blessed my life with more than I could imagine.   

Have we not reason to be filled with gratitude, regardless of the circumstances in which we find ourselves? 

When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.

-Pres. Uchtdorf

Be Still

We went to our ultrasound/follicle scan appointment on Friday, September 5.  We felt confident that we would have at least one follicle (mature egg) that would be ready for our IUI.  We were expecting to do the procedure over the weekend.  Not the case.  During our ultrasound we found out that we didn't have "any follicles."  That was my understanding anyway.  Dallin's understanding was that they were just too small.

So Utah Fertility Center (UFC) graciously donated to us the meds that I would be taking giving myself via a needle.  I had already given myself one shot last round, this time I got really good at it! Saturday and Sunday I was to give myself a shot.  Here is the proof that I did it! (Don't worry, that long needle is just to draw the meds...the needle that actually went in me was smaller...a needle none-the-less.)

While I am grateful for the medicine that I am able to take to allow this to work, I look WAY too happy to be giving myself a shot!  The last picture is after all is said and done...thank heavens.

So, we went back to UFC on Monday, September 8.  This time the Ultrasonographer found one follicle, 17 mm.  (They want them to be between 18 and 22 mm)  I knew it wasn't big enough.  My heart sunk and I didn't know what she would tell me to do.  She quickly told me that we would wait one more day to do the trigger shot and then we would do the IUI on Wednesday.  That is what we did.  Tuesday-trigger shot.  Wednesday-IUI.

Wednesday we go in for the procedure.  While we were waiting for the semen to be prepped we watched Once Upon a Time.  Great way to keep my mind off of life!  Finally my name was called back.  While we were waiting for the nurse to come in I looked at Dallin and said, "you might want to say a little prayer."  Without any hesitation or question he immediately bowed his head and said a silent prayer.  I am constantly in awe of this man's faith and example and I am so grateful that he is mine for eternity!

Well, the count was in, 9.4 million sperm.  They say that is ok.  Do you know how many millions of sperm men have?  A whole heck of a lot...and that number is not very high.  Just sayin'.  But as my sis says, it only takes one!  I'll go with it.  During the procedure I felt very crampy but not nearly like last time. Grateful!

As the nurse finished up I told her that hopefully she is our good luck charm!  She looked at me and said, "I hope so, it is always so nice to be a small part of a big miracle."  She left the room and I broke down into tears.  Here I am, laying on the table, trying to make my dreams come true and I start bawling.  Poor Dallin, he is such a good sport!  I closed my eyes and said a little prayer that this would work.  Immediately the thought came very strongly and very clearly:  

I cannot deny that the Lord's hand has been in every part of this journey.  While I want this righteous desire to come to pass I must remember to Be Still.  I KNOW that the Lord is aware of our pains and that He is shedding tears right along with us.  I KNOW that I am blessed and that I have a very loving Heavenly Father.  I KNOW that He "doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past."

As we drove home we listened to Be Still, My Soul.  My favorite verses are 1 and 2.  

1. 1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
   With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
   Leave to thy God to order and provide;
   In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
   Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
   Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. 2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
   To guide the future as he has the past.
   Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
   All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
   Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
   His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

My mom sent me a link to this song the day before our procedure.  Timely and yet another tender mercy.  Take a listen.

As we drove into our driveway Dallin noticed that his odometer had reached 127777.  That same day mine had reached 107777.  Coincidence?  Yeah, maybe.  Tender mercy?  Possibly.  Good luck? Most definitely!

Keep the prayers coming for our miracle baby to get here!  They are needed, felt and we are extremely grateful for all of the support we have!  We love you all!

Tender Mercies and Angels Round About

Well, we did it.

The IUI took place unexpectedly before we left for Hawaii.  We were hopeful.  Filled with excitement and happy that we could be in Hawaii while we prayed that a bun began cooking in the oven.  We had great plans on how we would tell our families that we were finally pregnant.  Nobody but a select handful of people knew...not even our parents.  We were thrilled that this could actually be a surprise.

It failed.

My heart sank when the nurse called.  "Hi this message is for Michelle.  We got your lab results back.  It came back negative.  I'm so sorry!"  She continued on with next steps for us to take.  Dallin and I looked at each other with sad eyes and no words.  I was full of unexplainable emotion.  I really didn't know what to think.  What was next for our family?  Would this ever work?  Am I sad?  Am I frustrated?  How did it NOT work?  Isn't that all we needed?  Just a little bit of help?

Two days later I went in to start the process all over again.  We feel like our life is a little bit on repeat...you know like that one movie?  Get an ultrasound, take meds, give shots, get more ultrasounds, wash, rise and repeat.  How grateful we are for modern day technology and medicine and the blessing that we are able to use these means to help us get our family here to earth.

During this all we have been so blessed by friends and family who will send notes, cards, text messages and Facebook messages JUST to say that they are thinking about us.  This has meant more to me than anything!  I truly feel that people are inspired to let us know that we are in their thoughts and that they are just thinking about us.

Last Tuesday we found out that our IUI did not work.  The next morning I woke up to a text saying "Laying in bed saying my morning prayer and you came to my mind...prayers for you and your hubby and the trials you are battling.  Hugs!"  That was nothing short of divine intervention and inspiration.  I am so grateful that my dear friend could be my angel that day.  I sure needed it and she had no idea that I had just gotten devastating news that the IUI did not work.  I KNOW that our Heavenly Father is aware of Dallin and I.  He loves us both and that was a simple reminder that he has not forgotten nor forsaken us.  How grateful I am for that tender mercy.

Tonight was no different.  I have a friend from BYU-Idaho.  We had some classes together and did a big research paper together.  She is DARLING!  We graduated, went our separate ways, became Facebook friends and recently reconnected.  She and her sweet husband are also going through the pain and trial of infertility.  Go check out their blog and help them get their miracle babies here! Tonight she sent a message.  Just to say that she was thinking of us and hoping that our procedures are going well.  How sweet and completely thoughtful.  Once again, a tender mercy.  This weekend we have our 2nd IUI cycle.  She had no idea that her message was very timely and a much needed reminder.

I have a lot to learn and I hope that I can follow the spirit and promptings that I receive to reach out to someone.  I have been told multiple times that I will be a support and help to others going through infertility.  I hope that I have been somewhat of a help, whether great or small, to someone, somewhere.  Whoever you are, I love you.  Heavenly Father loves you.  I am here for you and know that a miracle will happen, because The Lord does not break his promises.

 

On my birthday...

Aug 15, 2014
Today is my 30th birthday and here I sit with my sweet husband and we fly to Hawaii.  It has been a dream of mine to go to Hawaii and we are blessed to do it.  I am feeling grateful that Dallin is so willing to help my dream come true, he truly is the best husband for me.  While this is not my ultimate dream to be going to Hawaii it is a wonderful dream come true none the less.  Many people have expressed their jealousy of us going to Hawaii together  and I would probably be jealous too if it were not my circumstance however one of the main things I have learned through life is that it is not fair.  I was always the fairness monitor growing up and nothing seemed to ever be fair.  How grateful I am to my mom for raising me with  an understanding that life is not fair.  It is a bit ironic that I was the monitor in my family and now here I sit, 30 years old and still have to be reminded that life is not fair.

My ultimate dream is to have and raise a family. While that dream has not come true in my life I have decided to live my life to its fullest.  Do I get frustrated, upset  and even angry? Yes, I do.  Do I question, lose faith and wonder if "it" will work out? Yes.  But when I truly remember all that has been given to me and the amazing blessings that I have received I cannot disregard my faith, I must press forward knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and that his plan for Dallin and I is the one he intended for us to have.  Pres. Hinckley said "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured." And that is what we are doing...enjoying.  Enjoying the time we have together just me and him, making memories and cherishing those memories!

I am blessed.  I have Dallin, I have the best family I could ask for and I have amazing friends all encouraging me to hold on...to press on.

HSG-6/13/14

Friday the 13th.  I am not superstitious person but I may just become one...today's appointment was not my favorite.

I finished work for the day and I headed to UFC to meet my sweet husband at the clinic.  I arrived at UFC first and relieved my bladder. Before I could go back out to the lobby to get my husband the nurse whisked me back to a scary looking room.  I asked her if she would like me to go get Dallin and she let me know that he would not be able to come back because they don't have enough vests for him to wear during the procedure.  I was devestated!  I had not been nervous until that moment and there I was sitting on the table with huge medical equipment all around me unsure of what was about to take place.  Mind you, everyone tells you that the HSG test is NOT cool and hurts in exuberant measures!  So, I wasn't excited for this in the first place...but then adding these other factors nearly broke me.  As I was waiting I was texting Dallin and he was not happy either.

I sat...and I sat...and I sat...feeling nervous, frustrated, anxious, scared and ready to have this over with.

Soon enough Dr. Conway walked in with the nurse following.  I was SO happy to see a familiar face (it had felt like I hadn't seen her forever!)  She let me know that it would be quick, I would feel some cramping but it isn't as bad as people say it is.

I get situated in the stirrups and it is like any other appointment/ultrasound I have had thus far.  Not too bad.  Then the procedure begins and it HURT!  The dye they push in my uterus and Fallopian tubes doesn't hurt...but getting it all in the right place.  DANG!!  I cried.  I cried because it hurt.  I cried because I was without my husband.  I cried because I couldn't believe this was my reality...living a life of infertility.

The procedure finished and I had never been so grateful.  Dr. Conway began talking and the nurse went to get Dallin.  When he walked in the room I was so glad he was finally there.  The Dr continued.  "You're tubes look great, they are open and there is no blockages.  Your uterus is a nice triangle shape and then we have this white part.  I'm thinking that it is a polyp."  I immediately think the worse.  I had heard of them before but again...this was my new reality.  My body is not "normal" and this could hinder our chance of getting pregnant even more.

Dr. Conway let us know that there were now some choices we needed to make.  We could do a saline ultrasound right then in the office to make sure that it wasn't just an air bubble that couldn't get out during the procedure or if it truly is a polyp.  The other choice is that we could just immediately schedule surgery to have the polyp removed.  I was so confused.  I couldn't believe it.  Dallin and I decided that we would do the ultrasound to make sure the polyp was truly a polyp.  Results in=confirmed.

More choices available...stop the medication that I had been taking for 3 days and schedule surgery or continue the medication and try to conceive with out the insemination.  We wanted Dr. Conway's input.  We trust her and know that she has our best interest in mind.  She decided to check out my ovaries while she was at it.  First the right side, a follicle is growing.  11 mm to be exact.  Great news!  I am responding to the meds.  She looks at the left...ANOTHER follicle is growing.  Also 11 mm.  Are you kidding me???  Are you kidding?  Dallin and I look at each other in disbelief.  After all this "bad news" we find out that I have TWO eggs growing.  I was sad that insemination was out of the question this round but Dr. Conway let us know that she thinks I should finish the medicine and try to conceive on our own even though I have the polyp and we don't know what Dallin's sperm will do.  I had to ask...because you just never know...will both of these follicles ovulate?  She assured me that they will.  HOLY SMOKES!  Think twins people...2 for 1?  Sure!

It truly is in the hand's of God at this time.  We are unsure what this cycle will bring for us but we are hopeful in the long run.  If nothing happens this time I will have surgery in a couple of weeks and then we will try again with the whole process.  Let the games begin!

Some tender mercies that we have experienced:
-The medication is working!
-We may not have to spend the money on the insemination if it does work.
-Finding UFC and working with Dr Conway
-Michelle Day-a true blessing!
-Reading blogs and watching youtube full of success stories
-Family fast-my parents don't usually fast due to health concerns and they were able to complete a fast for us!
-Everyone's prayers that are deeply felt...thank you! thank you! thank you!
-Being in the temple and feeling a deep love of our Heavenly Father.

Utah Fertility Center-Consultation appointment 6/5/14

Sorry for the delay of this post...I have been working on it for a while but trying to find the courage to post it to the world is a whole different hurdle to face.  Thank you for your sensitivity to this post and trial of ours and especially for your continued faith, prayer and support in our behalf.

Our journey with the Utah Fertility Center (UFC) began just 3 weeks ago today.  We had been to a seminar about infertility before with a different clinic but we found out about UFC and after some research we decided to schedule an appointment since it would be so close to our home. After we scheduled I liked them on Facebook and began looking at their website frequently and there I found out they would be having a seminar as well.  We decided that we should go to see the clinic and have the chance to possibly meet our doctor.  Well, fortunately, we were able to meet her. She was warm and friendly at first meeting and she really seemed interested in us as individuals and us as a couple.  Our meeting with Dr. Conway today was no different.  She was so easy to talk to and she seemed genuine and caring.  We have fallen in love with her!  We feel grateful that we get to work with her in our journey of bringing our family to earth and are thankful for modern day medicine and technology that will help make this possible.

So the story...
After getting our history of the fertility treatments we have already tried she asked me if anyone else had ever talked to me about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  My reply?  That no one had ever previously mentioned it but I have deep down wondered if that is part of the problem.  She nodded her head as if to agree and she let me know that she would like to have a blood sample to test if it is in fact part of the problem.  I had an ultrasound during our consultation as well and she was very thorough and told us what we were looking at.  I also seem to have an ovulatory problem...aka...I don't ovulate often. Weird because I do have my period on a regular basis.  She was happy to know that when I took Clomid last fall my body was responding and I did ovulate.  Ok, so there are a couple of things as to why we aren't getting pregnant.

Now...onto Dallin.  When we were going through treatment with my OB clinic last fall Dallin had a Semen Analysis done at the hospital.  The OB had let me know that we could do it at the hospital or UFC.  Hospital=less money and less information. UFC=more money with more information/better quality of test.  We were sure that things were fine with Dallin and so pridefully we took the test to the hospital.  We were devastated to find out last fall that Dallin has low sperm count and "abnormal" sperm.

We had let Dr. Conway know about the test results when we talked with her at the seminar.  They waste no time at this place and that same evening they had our insurance information, they gave us a kit and the next morning I received a phone call to schedule the analysis so we would have results in time for our consultation.  Dallin and I were amazed at how quick it all happened.

During the initial consultation our Dr looked at the results and was pleased.  Dallin's sperm count is not low at all.  They want at least 20 million and thankfully he had 25 million.  So...that was the first sign that we should have gotten the analysis done at UFC in the beginning.  Oh well, you live and learn.  Right?  Then she spoke about the motility (movement) and the morphology (shape).  Motility=great.  Morphology=not as great.  We will need to "wash" the sperm to get all the best ones out and then we can have better chances of getting pregnant.

So...end results=I will be taking Femara to help with ovulation and then we will do Intrauterine Insemination aka Turkey Baster method.

We are deeply grateful for everyone's thoughts and prayer's in our behalf.  It has been a whirlwind and roller coaster along this journey and we are so thankful for the support of our family and friends and could not continue without everyone's support.  We love you all!

Okay, but not okay. And that's okay!

Do any of you follow Mitchell's Journey on Facebook?  If not, you should!  It is very inspiring and I borrowed the title for this post from yesterday's entry on Facebook.  When I read it I knew that is exactly what I feel and I want you to know that that is okay.  I am okay, but not okay.  Do you know what I mean?

Today a dear friend of ours, who also happens to be Dallin's cousin, had her baby.  He is BEAUTIFUL!  I can't wait to snuggle that little guy.  However, it's been a hard day.  I wanted to snuggle up in bed and go to sleep and have someone wake me up when this was all over, because surely it is just a dream, right?  I've wanted to go away.  Go away from life.  Yet, the whole day reality has been shining in my face.  My reality is that it is not our season for children.  I'm okay, but not okay.

For awhile whenever I would talk to my mom she would ask, "How are you?"  My reply was usually "Oh, ya know"  One day she stopped me and said "No, I don't know.  What does that mean?"  I am usually a positive natured person.  I feel like this journey of infertility has sucked the life out of me and I want to tell people I'm okay, but not okay.  I try to find ways to create happiness, bask in that happiness and enjoy the journey but sometimes I am sad.  And I am not always okay, and that is okay.

At the end of the Facebook entry on Mitchell's Journey his father recalls what he is feeling with this heavy weight of losing his son and the grief and sorrow he has felt.  I couldn't help but share it and I echo his words...with my reality.

"I am still walking on Jupiter. The gravity of grief is great. The air is thin and my tears fall as generously as spring rains. Yes, I have moments of sweet relief and happiness is returning – but grief and sorrow linger. I cannot run from sorrow any more than I can run from my shadow on a sunny day. I must learn to live with love and sorrow – there seems no other way.  I’m okay … but I’m not okay … and that’s okay. That is part of being human."