in·fer·til·i·ty

n. The persistent inability to conceive a child.

As I sit here and write my feelings down, my sweet husband is making dinner because it has been one of "those" days.  I know that many of you reading have had similar experiences.  I write this not to receive pity, but I write to express my feelings and to reach out.  Dallin and I have recently started the process of infertility, or trying to conceive a child.  It has been one of the most heart-wrenching experiences I have had to endure.  Some of you may be thinking, "they just got married, what's the rush?" or "oh, but they are still so young!"  Some may even be thinking, "don't worry, you will have kids."  And to the latter statement, I hope and pray that we will be given that blessing.  

Our story:
Dallin and I decided that we would wait until the spring after we got married to start "trying" to have kids.  Little did I know how hard it is to get those little ones here!  Once we were married, I had a paradigm shift and I wanted to start trying to get pregnant.  So, every month I would wait to see if my period would arrive.  It never failed me...it always would arrive.  Right.on.time.  I was never put out by it (although, to have blood dripping from us? Not pretty!) but I would get a little bummed.

This past winter I began to "really try."  You know, tracking your cycle, watching your temperature and fluids. Figuring out when you ovulate and getting to know your body better than you have ever known it before.  I was really stressed with work, trying to get Dallin done with school and trying to conceive.  Stress=infertility, right? Yeah, probably...so I decided I needed to take a break.  We went to Disneyland together and it was A-MA-ZING! It was like a 2nd honeymoon.  Dallin had just graduated and I was able to take time off of work and it came at the perfect time.  While in California I thought that I was pregnant!  It was crazy exciting!  My period was 3 days late. I took the pregnancy test at the hotel and negative result came screaming back to me.

Through the summer of 2013 Dallin continued to urge me to go see the Dr. I don't know if I was being stubborn or if I just didn't want to face it all.  I knew that it would begin a long process, and that process has begun.  Towards the end of the summer, and after a year of trying to conceive I went to the Women's Clinic.  The Dr. has been helpful. The waits have been long. And I will never cease to desire to be pregnant and give birth to our children.

A couple of weeks ago, Dallin gave me a beautiful blessing.  He encouraged me to begin a journal of my feelings regarding this process of infertility.  I had been debating about starting a blog for our little family anyway, and now here I am.  I hope that as we take this walk and continue this journey I will continue to have faith and that I will find peace in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I realize that we are SO early on in this journey, but it is a journey none-the-less, and it is our journey. 

“On this upward and sometimes hazardous journey, each of us meets our share of daily challenges. If we are not careful, as we peer through the narrow lens of self-interest, we may feel that life is bringing us more than our fair share of trials--that somehow others seem to be getting off more lightly.

But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.”

― Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things