My life is a reminder of what I don't have. Every day I see young children (whom I adore) and their ever growing families. Because I work in Utah I see this possibly more often than "the average" early interventionist would. Unfortunately this is a harsh reminder of the thing that I desire the most in this life.
I want children.
I want to be a mother.
While I understand that being a mother will not be easy, being a mother is what I am meant to do and I know it. Ever since I was young I have loved children. My mom would often say that if she couldn't find me at a family function just look for the babies and I would be with them. I love snuggling those precious-straight-from-heaven littles and I want one.
I want to carry a baby for 9 months.
I want to experience the miracle of birth.
I recognize that carrying a baby and birthing a child will not be easy and most likely it will be extremely difficult. And that is what I want. I want to feel the aches and pains, the kicks and squirms. And when that happens I will be grateful.
Every.single.month.
Each month I have a friendly reminder that I am not pregnant. It is a reminder that I have to be just a little more patient and tears are shed once again for what I do not have. It is an emotional roller coaster over here and bless my loving and compassionate husband for always holding me and wiping away my tears in the most desperate of times. He is a real trooper!
I went to lunch with a dear friend yesterday who has had similar struggles to ours and she pointed out that if we can't have children can we just forego the period as well? Amen, J, Amen!
Ever.single.moment.
My life is blessed every single moment. While I may not have what I want right now, I have a blessed life. I have a charmed life. It is not the life I ever anticipated, expected or even wanted but it is a wonderful life. I have an extremely wonderful and incredibly handsome husband. I have a great job. I have a lovely place to live. We are financially stable and are blessed to be able to enjoy a little more than the average "newly-weds." (are we still considered newly-weds?) We have amazing family who are incredibly supportive. We have it all...mostly.
I have a righteous desire.
I cannot forget that Heavenly Father is aware of me, even when it feels like He is not. I know that he sends tender mercies to buoy us up and helps us remember that he is near. My theme this year has been FAITH. It has been a wonderful reminder to me of who is in charge, who loves me and how I can endure trials with joy and happiness. Although I am not always "happy" I do try to find the happiness around me. This trial has allowed Dallin and I to grow stronger together, to experience new things together and find joy in the journey...every.single.moment.
Faith in God includes faith in His timing. -Elder Neal A. Maxwell
Faith in God includes faith in His timing. -Elder Neal A. Maxwell
