Dallin's Thoughts

It is often hard for me to express what I feel into words so that others can somewhat understand what or how I am feeling.  It’s not an easy task.  This post is not so you have pity on Michelle and I but to be able to express feelings and hopefully to help someone else out in their similar time of need. 

I am married to the most wonderful person.  She is kind, gentle, full of humility, spiritual, a great cook hence why I have gained weight since I have been married, and full of love.  I never thought I would end up having an amazing person as she is.  She is my light, my strength, my inspiration, and really my everything.  Life cannot possibly be better without her in it, right by my side.  I married my best friend who is in my eyes a woman who will help me become a person I will be in the future.  Without her I am nothing.  I look forward to progressing in life with my best friend by my side. 

Many before us, after us, and continually on a daily basis go through different trials and tribulations that seem too difficult to bear.  All trials are difficult on different levels but as each of us go through trials we ask for the Lord’s help in guiding us and sustaining us as we go through difficult things in life.  Sometimes it seems that we are given multiple challenges at once and it feels as though everything is coming at once from different angles.  I know that these difficult things we go through, as I have been told, help us grow and become better.  However it doesn’t make it easier to go through.  Sometimes it feels like we are holding on for dear life to your wife, loved ones, the kind words of others, the Savior and our Heavenly Father.  My wife and I have been experiencing some difficult times in our lives which has challenged us.  Not being able to conceive a child has been one of those challenges to name a few.  Some say, “Oh just enjoy the time that you have together or enjoy what you have now because it will all change.”  I know people are trying to be nice but it doesn’t make it any easier.  We do enjoy every bit of time that we get together.  My mom’s parents couldn’t have children for four years.  After four years they were able to have one after the other.  They ended up having eight children when it was all said and done.  Michelle and I are holding to our faith hoping that what has been received through priesthood blessings will come to pass.  The Lord’s timing and our timing is on a very different time scale.  But I have to say I am grateful for listening to the spirit and waited to meet Michelle because we have such a great time together.  Michelle would say her wait was more difficult but both our waiting was difficult in different ways though the waiting periods were different amounts, it’s still difficult.  Looking back at this experience it helps my faith knowing that Heavenly Father was aware of our situation then and is now with our current situations.  He has not forgotten us and will bless us with children when the time is right.  When that time is?  Who knows except Heavenly Father and our Savior and older brother Jesus Christ.  I know He has promised blessings waiting for us but we just don’t know when that will occur.  Though I have these feelings that come to my heart and mind it doesn’t make going through this trial easier.  I have no doubt there are others who have gone through similar circumstances and because of this they have empathy towards those who are going through what they went through.  It helps to know that there are others out there who can help us get through what we are going through.  Maybe one day we will be able to have empathy towards those who will go through the same things as we are and possibly be an earthly angel to those. 

I am thankful to know that I have a Savior and Heavenly Father who love us and care about each of us individually.  Sometimes something is put in our path that helps aid a situation which has occurred a few times.  I am thankful to those of Heavenly Fathers children who listen to the spirit and follow those promptings.  I am not saying that I am perfect at this just thankful to those who do this.  I am glad that I know that my Savior paid ultimate price for me so that I can return and live with him again.  I am so grateful to know that I am sealed to my eternal companion and friend who I love and admire with all my heart and who I look up to.  I am grateful to know that we will be together forever as long as we continue to live good lives.  Because of the mission I served for The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints I know that our Savior cares about each of our individual needs.  Whether they are big or small He cares.  Why would He send out missionaries to go and find those lost sheep?  He cares about each and every one of his children and wants them to return home. 

“On this upward and sometimes hazardous journey, each of us meets our share of daily challenges. If we are not careful, as we peer through the narrow lens of self-interest, we may feel that life is bringing us more than our fair share of trials--that somehow others seem to be getting off more lightly.

But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.”

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"Everyone of us needs refueling, regeneration, encouragement, hope."

-Elder Jeffery Holland

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Naturally, I have had a lot of "gratitude" fill my heart and my mind.  Mostly things like my sweet husband who is so patient with me, my wonderful family, great friends and people who let us know that they care.  I am also so thankful and indebted to our loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Last night, Dallin and I watched the end of Ephraim's Rescue with my parents.  I have seen it before but it touched me in a way that it has never before touched me.  Of course, the past few weeks (ok...months) have been a roller coaster of emotions, up and down and all around.  I heard this song during the credits of the movie and I could not help but let some tears roll down my face.  I know that the Lord is truly watching over me and Dallin.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that and to put my trust in the timing he has planned for us, but I do have a testimony that His kindness and tender mercies will always be available to us.

I hope this song and video will touch your heart and help you also remember that the Lord has a plan for each of us...even when I sometimes forget that.

in·fer·til·i·ty

n. The persistent inability to conceive a child.

As I sit here and write my feelings down, my sweet husband is making dinner because it has been one of "those" days.  I know that many of you reading have had similar experiences.  I write this not to receive pity, but I write to express my feelings and to reach out.  Dallin and I have recently started the process of infertility, or trying to conceive a child.  It has been one of the most heart-wrenching experiences I have had to endure.  Some of you may be thinking, "they just got married, what's the rush?" or "oh, but they are still so young!"  Some may even be thinking, "don't worry, you will have kids."  And to the latter statement, I hope and pray that we will be given that blessing.  

Our story:
Dallin and I decided that we would wait until the spring after we got married to start "trying" to have kids.  Little did I know how hard it is to get those little ones here!  Once we were married, I had a paradigm shift and I wanted to start trying to get pregnant.  So, every month I would wait to see if my period would arrive.  It never failed me...it always would arrive.  Right.on.time.  I was never put out by it (although, to have blood dripping from us? Not pretty!) but I would get a little bummed.

This past winter I began to "really try."  You know, tracking your cycle, watching your temperature and fluids. Figuring out when you ovulate and getting to know your body better than you have ever known it before.  I was really stressed with work, trying to get Dallin done with school and trying to conceive.  Stress=infertility, right? Yeah, probably...so I decided I needed to take a break.  We went to Disneyland together and it was A-MA-ZING! It was like a 2nd honeymoon.  Dallin had just graduated and I was able to take time off of work and it came at the perfect time.  While in California I thought that I was pregnant!  It was crazy exciting!  My period was 3 days late. I took the pregnancy test at the hotel and negative result came screaming back to me.

Through the summer of 2013 Dallin continued to urge me to go see the Dr. I don't know if I was being stubborn or if I just didn't want to face it all.  I knew that it would begin a long process, and that process has begun.  Towards the end of the summer, and after a year of trying to conceive I went to the Women's Clinic.  The Dr. has been helpful. The waits have been long. And I will never cease to desire to be pregnant and give birth to our children.

A couple of weeks ago, Dallin gave me a beautiful blessing.  He encouraged me to begin a journal of my feelings regarding this process of infertility.  I had been debating about starting a blog for our little family anyway, and now here I am.  I hope that as we take this walk and continue this journey I will continue to have faith and that I will find peace in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I realize that we are SO early on in this journey, but it is a journey none-the-less, and it is our journey. 

“On this upward and sometimes hazardous journey, each of us meets our share of daily challenges. If we are not careful, as we peer through the narrow lens of self-interest, we may feel that life is bringing us more than our fair share of trials--that somehow others seem to be getting off more lightly.

But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.”

― Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things