Today a dear friend of ours, who also happens to be Dallin's cousin, had her baby. He is BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to snuggle that little guy. However, it's been a hard day. I wanted to snuggle up in bed and go to sleep and have someone wake me up when this was all over, because surely it is just a dream, right? I've wanted to go away. Go away from life. Yet, the whole day reality has been shining in my face. My reality is that it is not our season for children. I'm okay, but not okay.
For awhile whenever I would talk to my mom she would ask, "How are you?" My reply was usually "Oh, ya know" One day she stopped me and said "No, I don't know. What does that mean?" I am usually a positive natured person. I feel like this journey of infertility has sucked the life out of me and I want to tell people I'm okay, but not okay. I try to find ways to create happiness, bask in that happiness and enjoy the journey but sometimes I am sad. And I am not always okay, and that is okay.
At the end of the Facebook entry on Mitchell's Journey his father recalls what he is feeling with this heavy weight of losing his son and the grief and sorrow he has felt. I couldn't help but share it and I echo his words...with my reality.
"I am still walking on Jupiter. The gravity of grief is great. The air is thin and my tears fall as generously as spring rains. Yes, I have moments of sweet relief and happiness is returning – but grief and sorrow linger. I cannot run from sorrow any more than I can run from my shadow on a sunny day. I must learn to live with love and sorrow – there seems no other way. I’m okay … but I’m not okay … and that’s okay. That is part of being human."
