Be Still

We went to our ultrasound/follicle scan appointment on Friday, September 5.  We felt confident that we would have at least one follicle (mature egg) that would be ready for our IUI.  We were expecting to do the procedure over the weekend.  Not the case.  During our ultrasound we found out that we didn't have "any follicles."  That was my understanding anyway.  Dallin's understanding was that they were just too small.

So Utah Fertility Center (UFC) graciously donated to us the meds that I would be taking giving myself via a needle.  I had already given myself one shot last round, this time I got really good at it! Saturday and Sunday I was to give myself a shot.  Here is the proof that I did it! (Don't worry, that long needle is just to draw the meds...the needle that actually went in me was smaller...a needle none-the-less.)

While I am grateful for the medicine that I am able to take to allow this to work, I look WAY too happy to be giving myself a shot!  The last picture is after all is said and done...thank heavens.

So, we went back to UFC on Monday, September 8.  This time the Ultrasonographer found one follicle, 17 mm.  (They want them to be between 18 and 22 mm)  I knew it wasn't big enough.  My heart sunk and I didn't know what she would tell me to do.  She quickly told me that we would wait one more day to do the trigger shot and then we would do the IUI on Wednesday.  That is what we did.  Tuesday-trigger shot.  Wednesday-IUI.

Wednesday we go in for the procedure.  While we were waiting for the semen to be prepped we watched Once Upon a Time.  Great way to keep my mind off of life!  Finally my name was called back.  While we were waiting for the nurse to come in I looked at Dallin and said, "you might want to say a little prayer."  Without any hesitation or question he immediately bowed his head and said a silent prayer.  I am constantly in awe of this man's faith and example and I am so grateful that he is mine for eternity!

Well, the count was in, 9.4 million sperm.  They say that is ok.  Do you know how many millions of sperm men have?  A whole heck of a lot...and that number is not very high.  Just sayin'.  But as my sis says, it only takes one!  I'll go with it.  During the procedure I felt very crampy but not nearly like last time. Grateful!

As the nurse finished up I told her that hopefully she is our good luck charm!  She looked at me and said, "I hope so, it is always so nice to be a small part of a big miracle."  She left the room and I broke down into tears.  Here I am, laying on the table, trying to make my dreams come true and I start bawling.  Poor Dallin, he is such a good sport!  I closed my eyes and said a little prayer that this would work.  Immediately the thought came very strongly and very clearly:  

I cannot deny that the Lord's hand has been in every part of this journey.  While I want this righteous desire to come to pass I must remember to Be Still.  I KNOW that the Lord is aware of our pains and that He is shedding tears right along with us.  I KNOW that I am blessed and that I have a very loving Heavenly Father.  I KNOW that He "doth undertake to guide the future as he has the past."

As we drove home we listened to Be Still, My Soul.  My favorite verses are 1 and 2.  

1. 1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
   With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
   Leave to thy God to order and provide;
   In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
   Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
   Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. 2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
   To guide the future as he has the past.
   Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
   All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
   Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
   His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

My mom sent me a link to this song the day before our procedure.  Timely and yet another tender mercy.  Take a listen.

As we drove into our driveway Dallin noticed that his odometer had reached 127777.  That same day mine had reached 107777.  Coincidence?  Yeah, maybe.  Tender mercy?  Possibly.  Good luck? Most definitely!

Keep the prayers coming for our miracle baby to get here!  They are needed, felt and we are extremely grateful for all of the support we have!  We love you all!

Tender Mercies and Angels Round About

Well, we did it.

The IUI took place unexpectedly before we left for Hawaii.  We were hopeful.  Filled with excitement and happy that we could be in Hawaii while we prayed that a bun began cooking in the oven.  We had great plans on how we would tell our families that we were finally pregnant.  Nobody but a select handful of people knew...not even our parents.  We were thrilled that this could actually be a surprise.

It failed.

My heart sank when the nurse called.  "Hi this message is for Michelle.  We got your lab results back.  It came back negative.  I'm so sorry!"  She continued on with next steps for us to take.  Dallin and I looked at each other with sad eyes and no words.  I was full of unexplainable emotion.  I really didn't know what to think.  What was next for our family?  Would this ever work?  Am I sad?  Am I frustrated?  How did it NOT work?  Isn't that all we needed?  Just a little bit of help?

Two days later I went in to start the process all over again.  We feel like our life is a little bit on repeat...you know like that one movie?  Get an ultrasound, take meds, give shots, get more ultrasounds, wash, rise and repeat.  How grateful we are for modern day technology and medicine and the blessing that we are able to use these means to help us get our family here to earth.

During this all we have been so blessed by friends and family who will send notes, cards, text messages and Facebook messages JUST to say that they are thinking about us.  This has meant more to me than anything!  I truly feel that people are inspired to let us know that we are in their thoughts and that they are just thinking about us.

Last Tuesday we found out that our IUI did not work.  The next morning I woke up to a text saying "Laying in bed saying my morning prayer and you came to my mind...prayers for you and your hubby and the trials you are battling.  Hugs!"  That was nothing short of divine intervention and inspiration.  I am so grateful that my dear friend could be my angel that day.  I sure needed it and she had no idea that I had just gotten devastating news that the IUI did not work.  I KNOW that our Heavenly Father is aware of Dallin and I.  He loves us both and that was a simple reminder that he has not forgotten nor forsaken us.  How grateful I am for that tender mercy.

Tonight was no different.  I have a friend from BYU-Idaho.  We had some classes together and did a big research paper together.  She is DARLING!  We graduated, went our separate ways, became Facebook friends and recently reconnected.  She and her sweet husband are also going through the pain and trial of infertility.  Go check out their blog and help them get their miracle babies here! Tonight she sent a message.  Just to say that she was thinking of us and hoping that our procedures are going well.  How sweet and completely thoughtful.  Once again, a tender mercy.  This weekend we have our 2nd IUI cycle.  She had no idea that her message was very timely and a much needed reminder.

I have a lot to learn and I hope that I can follow the spirit and promptings that I receive to reach out to someone.  I have been told multiple times that I will be a support and help to others going through infertility.  I hope that I have been somewhat of a help, whether great or small, to someone, somewhere.  Whoever you are, I love you.  Heavenly Father loves you.  I am here for you and know that a miracle will happen, because The Lord does not break his promises.

 

On my birthday...

Aug 15, 2014
Today is my 30th birthday and here I sit with my sweet husband and we fly to Hawaii.  It has been a dream of mine to go to Hawaii and we are blessed to do it.  I am feeling grateful that Dallin is so willing to help my dream come true, he truly is the best husband for me.  While this is not my ultimate dream to be going to Hawaii it is a wonderful dream come true none the less.  Many people have expressed their jealousy of us going to Hawaii together  and I would probably be jealous too if it were not my circumstance however one of the main things I have learned through life is that it is not fair.  I was always the fairness monitor growing up and nothing seemed to ever be fair.  How grateful I am to my mom for raising me with  an understanding that life is not fair.  It is a bit ironic that I was the monitor in my family and now here I sit, 30 years old and still have to be reminded that life is not fair.

My ultimate dream is to have and raise a family. While that dream has not come true in my life I have decided to live my life to its fullest.  Do I get frustrated, upset  and even angry? Yes, I do.  Do I question, lose faith and wonder if "it" will work out? Yes.  But when I truly remember all that has been given to me and the amazing blessings that I have received I cannot disregard my faith, I must press forward knowing that my Heavenly Father loves me and that his plan for Dallin and I is the one he intended for us to have.  Pres. Hinckley said "Life is to be enjoyed not just endured." And that is what we are doing...enjoying.  Enjoying the time we have together just me and him, making memories and cherishing those memories!

I am blessed.  I have Dallin, I have the best family I could ask for and I have amazing friends all encouraging me to hold on...to press on.