HSG-6/13/14

Friday the 13th.  I am not superstitious person but I may just become one...today's appointment was not my favorite.

I finished work for the day and I headed to UFC to meet my sweet husband at the clinic.  I arrived at UFC first and relieved my bladder. Before I could go back out to the lobby to get my husband the nurse whisked me back to a scary looking room.  I asked her if she would like me to go get Dallin and she let me know that he would not be able to come back because they don't have enough vests for him to wear during the procedure.  I was devestated!  I had not been nervous until that moment and there I was sitting on the table with huge medical equipment all around me unsure of what was about to take place.  Mind you, everyone tells you that the HSG test is NOT cool and hurts in exuberant measures!  So, I wasn't excited for this in the first place...but then adding these other factors nearly broke me.  As I was waiting I was texting Dallin and he was not happy either.

I sat...and I sat...and I sat...feeling nervous, frustrated, anxious, scared and ready to have this over with.

Soon enough Dr. Conway walked in with the nurse following.  I was SO happy to see a familiar face (it had felt like I hadn't seen her forever!)  She let me know that it would be quick, I would feel some cramping but it isn't as bad as people say it is.

I get situated in the stirrups and it is like any other appointment/ultrasound I have had thus far.  Not too bad.  Then the procedure begins and it HURT!  The dye they push in my uterus and Fallopian tubes doesn't hurt...but getting it all in the right place.  DANG!!  I cried.  I cried because it hurt.  I cried because I was without my husband.  I cried because I couldn't believe this was my reality...living a life of infertility.

The procedure finished and I had never been so grateful.  Dr. Conway began talking and the nurse went to get Dallin.  When he walked in the room I was so glad he was finally there.  The Dr continued.  "You're tubes look great, they are open and there is no blockages.  Your uterus is a nice triangle shape and then we have this white part.  I'm thinking that it is a polyp."  I immediately think the worse.  I had heard of them before but again...this was my new reality.  My body is not "normal" and this could hinder our chance of getting pregnant even more.

Dr. Conway let us know that there were now some choices we needed to make.  We could do a saline ultrasound right then in the office to make sure that it wasn't just an air bubble that couldn't get out during the procedure or if it truly is a polyp.  The other choice is that we could just immediately schedule surgery to have the polyp removed.  I was so confused.  I couldn't believe it.  Dallin and I decided that we would do the ultrasound to make sure the polyp was truly a polyp.  Results in=confirmed.

More choices available...stop the medication that I had been taking for 3 days and schedule surgery or continue the medication and try to conceive with out the insemination.  We wanted Dr. Conway's input.  We trust her and know that she has our best interest in mind.  She decided to check out my ovaries while she was at it.  First the right side, a follicle is growing.  11 mm to be exact.  Great news!  I am responding to the meds.  She looks at the left...ANOTHER follicle is growing.  Also 11 mm.  Are you kidding me???  Are you kidding?  Dallin and I look at each other in disbelief.  After all this "bad news" we find out that I have TWO eggs growing.  I was sad that insemination was out of the question this round but Dr. Conway let us know that she thinks I should finish the medicine and try to conceive on our own even though I have the polyp and we don't know what Dallin's sperm will do.  I had to ask...because you just never know...will both of these follicles ovulate?  She assured me that they will.  HOLY SMOKES!  Think twins people...2 for 1?  Sure!

It truly is in the hand's of God at this time.  We are unsure what this cycle will bring for us but we are hopeful in the long run.  If nothing happens this time I will have surgery in a couple of weeks and then we will try again with the whole process.  Let the games begin!

Some tender mercies that we have experienced:
-The medication is working!
-We may not have to spend the money on the insemination if it does work.
-Finding UFC and working with Dr Conway
-Michelle Day-a true blessing!
-Reading blogs and watching youtube full of success stories
-Family fast-my parents don't usually fast due to health concerns and they were able to complete a fast for us!
-Everyone's prayers that are deeply felt...thank you! thank you! thank you!
-Being in the temple and feeling a deep love of our Heavenly Father.

Utah Fertility Center-Consultation appointment 6/5/14

Sorry for the delay of this post...I have been working on it for a while but trying to find the courage to post it to the world is a whole different hurdle to face.  Thank you for your sensitivity to this post and trial of ours and especially for your continued faith, prayer and support in our behalf.

Our journey with the Utah Fertility Center (UFC) began just 3 weeks ago today.  We had been to a seminar about infertility before with a different clinic but we found out about UFC and after some research we decided to schedule an appointment since it would be so close to our home. After we scheduled I liked them on Facebook and began looking at their website frequently and there I found out they would be having a seminar as well.  We decided that we should go to see the clinic and have the chance to possibly meet our doctor.  Well, fortunately, we were able to meet her. She was warm and friendly at first meeting and she really seemed interested in us as individuals and us as a couple.  Our meeting with Dr. Conway today was no different.  She was so easy to talk to and she seemed genuine and caring.  We have fallen in love with her!  We feel grateful that we get to work with her in our journey of bringing our family to earth and are thankful for modern day medicine and technology that will help make this possible.

So the story...
After getting our history of the fertility treatments we have already tried she asked me if anyone else had ever talked to me about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  My reply?  That no one had ever previously mentioned it but I have deep down wondered if that is part of the problem.  She nodded her head as if to agree and she let me know that she would like to have a blood sample to test if it is in fact part of the problem.  I had an ultrasound during our consultation as well and she was very thorough and told us what we were looking at.  I also seem to have an ovulatory problem...aka...I don't ovulate often. Weird because I do have my period on a regular basis.  She was happy to know that when I took Clomid last fall my body was responding and I did ovulate.  Ok, so there are a couple of things as to why we aren't getting pregnant.

Now...onto Dallin.  When we were going through treatment with my OB clinic last fall Dallin had a Semen Analysis done at the hospital.  The OB had let me know that we could do it at the hospital or UFC.  Hospital=less money and less information. UFC=more money with more information/better quality of test.  We were sure that things were fine with Dallin and so pridefully we took the test to the hospital.  We were devastated to find out last fall that Dallin has low sperm count and "abnormal" sperm.

We had let Dr. Conway know about the test results when we talked with her at the seminar.  They waste no time at this place and that same evening they had our insurance information, they gave us a kit and the next morning I received a phone call to schedule the analysis so we would have results in time for our consultation.  Dallin and I were amazed at how quick it all happened.

During the initial consultation our Dr looked at the results and was pleased.  Dallin's sperm count is not low at all.  They want at least 20 million and thankfully he had 25 million.  So...that was the first sign that we should have gotten the analysis done at UFC in the beginning.  Oh well, you live and learn.  Right?  Then she spoke about the motility (movement) and the morphology (shape).  Motility=great.  Morphology=not as great.  We will need to "wash" the sperm to get all the best ones out and then we can have better chances of getting pregnant.

So...end results=I will be taking Femara to help with ovulation and then we will do Intrauterine Insemination aka Turkey Baster method.

We are deeply grateful for everyone's thoughts and prayer's in our behalf.  It has been a whirlwind and roller coaster along this journey and we are so thankful for the support of our family and friends and could not continue without everyone's support.  We love you all!

Okay, but not okay. And that's okay!

Do any of you follow Mitchell's Journey on Facebook?  If not, you should!  It is very inspiring and I borrowed the title for this post from yesterday's entry on Facebook.  When I read it I knew that is exactly what I feel and I want you to know that that is okay.  I am okay, but not okay.  Do you know what I mean?

Today a dear friend of ours, who also happens to be Dallin's cousin, had her baby.  He is BEAUTIFUL!  I can't wait to snuggle that little guy.  However, it's been a hard day.  I wanted to snuggle up in bed and go to sleep and have someone wake me up when this was all over, because surely it is just a dream, right?  I've wanted to go away.  Go away from life.  Yet, the whole day reality has been shining in my face.  My reality is that it is not our season for children.  I'm okay, but not okay.

For awhile whenever I would talk to my mom she would ask, "How are you?"  My reply was usually "Oh, ya know"  One day she stopped me and said "No, I don't know.  What does that mean?"  I am usually a positive natured person.  I feel like this journey of infertility has sucked the life out of me and I want to tell people I'm okay, but not okay.  I try to find ways to create happiness, bask in that happiness and enjoy the journey but sometimes I am sad.  And I am not always okay, and that is okay.

At the end of the Facebook entry on Mitchell's Journey his father recalls what he is feeling with this heavy weight of losing his son and the grief and sorrow he has felt.  I couldn't help but share it and I echo his words...with my reality.

"I am still walking on Jupiter. The gravity of grief is great. The air is thin and my tears fall as generously as spring rains. Yes, I have moments of sweet relief and happiness is returning – but grief and sorrow linger. I cannot run from sorrow any more than I can run from my shadow on a sunny day. I must learn to live with love and sorrow – there seems no other way.  I’m okay … but I’m not okay … and that’s okay. That is part of being human."

Desires and Reminders

Every.single.day.

My life is a reminder of what I don't have.  Every day I see young children (whom I adore) and their ever growing families.  Because I work in Utah I see this possibly more often than "the average" early interventionist would.  Unfortunately this is a harsh reminder of the thing that I desire the most in this life.  

I want children.  

I want to be a mother.  

While I understand that being a mother will not be easy, being a mother is what I am meant to do and I know it.  Ever since I was young I have loved children.  My mom would often say that if she couldn't find me at a family function just look for the babies and I would be with them.  I love snuggling those precious-straight-from-heaven littles and I want one.

I want to carry a baby for 9 months. 

I want to experience the miracle of birth.

I recognize that carrying a baby and birthing a child will not be easy and most likely it will be extremely difficult.  And that is what I want.  I want to feel the aches and pains, the kicks and squirms.  And when that happens I will be grateful.  

Every.single.month. 

Each month I have a friendly reminder that I am not pregnant. It is a reminder that I have to be just a little more patient and tears are shed once again for what I do not have.  It is an emotional roller coaster over here and bless my loving and compassionate husband for always holding me and wiping away my tears in the most desperate of times.  He is a real trooper!

I went to lunch with a dear friend yesterday who has had similar struggles to ours and she pointed out that if we can't have children can we just forego the period as well?  Amen, J, Amen!

Ever.single.moment.

My life is blessed every single moment.  While I may not have what I want right now, I have a blessed life.  I have a charmed life.  It is not the life I ever anticipated, expected or even wanted but it is a wonderful life.  I have an extremely wonderful and incredibly handsome husband.  I have a great job.  I have a lovely place to live.  We are financially stable and are blessed to be able to enjoy a little more than the average "newly-weds." (are we still considered newly-weds?)  We have amazing family who are incredibly supportive.  We have it all...mostly.

I have a righteous desire.  

I cannot forget that Heavenly Father is aware of me, even when it feels like He is not.  I know that he sends tender mercies to buoy us up and helps us remember that he is near.  My theme this year has been FAITH.  It has been a wonderful reminder to me of who is in charge, who loves me and how I can endure trials with joy and happiness.  Although I am not always "happy" I do try to find the happiness around me.  This trial has allowed Dallin and I to grow stronger together, to experience new things together and find joy in the journey...every.single.moment.


Faith in God includes faith in His timing. -Elder Neal A. Maxwell

Dallin's Thoughts

It is often hard for me to express what I feel into words so that others can somewhat understand what or how I am feeling.  It’s not an easy task.  This post is not so you have pity on Michelle and I but to be able to express feelings and hopefully to help someone else out in their similar time of need. 

I am married to the most wonderful person.  She is kind, gentle, full of humility, spiritual, a great cook hence why I have gained weight since I have been married, and full of love.  I never thought I would end up having an amazing person as she is.  She is my light, my strength, my inspiration, and really my everything.  Life cannot possibly be better without her in it, right by my side.  I married my best friend who is in my eyes a woman who will help me become a person I will be in the future.  Without her I am nothing.  I look forward to progressing in life with my best friend by my side. 

Many before us, after us, and continually on a daily basis go through different trials and tribulations that seem too difficult to bear.  All trials are difficult on different levels but as each of us go through trials we ask for the Lord’s help in guiding us and sustaining us as we go through difficult things in life.  Sometimes it seems that we are given multiple challenges at once and it feels as though everything is coming at once from different angles.  I know that these difficult things we go through, as I have been told, help us grow and become better.  However it doesn’t make it easier to go through.  Sometimes it feels like we are holding on for dear life to your wife, loved ones, the kind words of others, the Savior and our Heavenly Father.  My wife and I have been experiencing some difficult times in our lives which has challenged us.  Not being able to conceive a child has been one of those challenges to name a few.  Some say, “Oh just enjoy the time that you have together or enjoy what you have now because it will all change.”  I know people are trying to be nice but it doesn’t make it any easier.  We do enjoy every bit of time that we get together.  My mom’s parents couldn’t have children for four years.  After four years they were able to have one after the other.  They ended up having eight children when it was all said and done.  Michelle and I are holding to our faith hoping that what has been received through priesthood blessings will come to pass.  The Lord’s timing and our timing is on a very different time scale.  But I have to say I am grateful for listening to the spirit and waited to meet Michelle because we have such a great time together.  Michelle would say her wait was more difficult but both our waiting was difficult in different ways though the waiting periods were different amounts, it’s still difficult.  Looking back at this experience it helps my faith knowing that Heavenly Father was aware of our situation then and is now with our current situations.  He has not forgotten us and will bless us with children when the time is right.  When that time is?  Who knows except Heavenly Father and our Savior and older brother Jesus Christ.  I know He has promised blessings waiting for us but we just don’t know when that will occur.  Though I have these feelings that come to my heart and mind it doesn’t make going through this trial easier.  I have no doubt there are others who have gone through similar circumstances and because of this they have empathy towards those who are going through what they went through.  It helps to know that there are others out there who can help us get through what we are going through.  Maybe one day we will be able to have empathy towards those who will go through the same things as we are and possibly be an earthly angel to those. 

I am thankful to know that I have a Savior and Heavenly Father who love us and care about each of us individually.  Sometimes something is put in our path that helps aid a situation which has occurred a few times.  I am thankful to those of Heavenly Fathers children who listen to the spirit and follow those promptings.  I am not saying that I am perfect at this just thankful to those who do this.  I am glad that I know that my Savior paid ultimate price for me so that I can return and live with him again.  I am so grateful to know that I am sealed to my eternal companion and friend who I love and admire with all my heart and who I look up to.  I am grateful to know that we will be together forever as long as we continue to live good lives.  Because of the mission I served for The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints I know that our Savior cares about each of our individual needs.  Whether they are big or small He cares.  Why would He send out missionaries to go and find those lost sheep?  He cares about each and every one of his children and wants them to return home. 

“On this upward and sometimes hazardous journey, each of us meets our share of daily challenges. If we are not careful, as we peer through the narrow lens of self-interest, we may feel that life is bringing us more than our fair share of trials--that somehow others seem to be getting off more lightly.

But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.”

-Elder Jeffery R. Holland

"Everyone of us needs refueling, regeneration, encouragement, hope."

-Elder Jeffery Holland

My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Naturally, I have had a lot of "gratitude" fill my heart and my mind.  Mostly things like my sweet husband who is so patient with me, my wonderful family, great friends and people who let us know that they care.  I am also so thankful and indebted to our loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Last night, Dallin and I watched the end of Ephraim's Rescue with my parents.  I have seen it before but it touched me in a way that it has never before touched me.  Of course, the past few weeks (ok...months) have been a roller coaster of emotions, up and down and all around.  I heard this song during the credits of the movie and I could not help but let some tears roll down my face.  I know that the Lord is truly watching over me and Dallin.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that and to put my trust in the timing he has planned for us, but I do have a testimony that His kindness and tender mercies will always be available to us.

I hope this song and video will touch your heart and help you also remember that the Lord has a plan for each of us...even when I sometimes forget that.

in·fer·til·i·ty

n. The persistent inability to conceive a child.

As I sit here and write my feelings down, my sweet husband is making dinner because it has been one of "those" days.  I know that many of you reading have had similar experiences.  I write this not to receive pity, but I write to express my feelings and to reach out.  Dallin and I have recently started the process of infertility, or trying to conceive a child.  It has been one of the most heart-wrenching experiences I have had to endure.  Some of you may be thinking, "they just got married, what's the rush?" or "oh, but they are still so young!"  Some may even be thinking, "don't worry, you will have kids."  And to the latter statement, I hope and pray that we will be given that blessing.  

Our story:
Dallin and I decided that we would wait until the spring after we got married to start "trying" to have kids.  Little did I know how hard it is to get those little ones here!  Once we were married, I had a paradigm shift and I wanted to start trying to get pregnant.  So, every month I would wait to see if my period would arrive.  It never failed me...it always would arrive.  Right.on.time.  I was never put out by it (although, to have blood dripping from us? Not pretty!) but I would get a little bummed.

This past winter I began to "really try."  You know, tracking your cycle, watching your temperature and fluids. Figuring out when you ovulate and getting to know your body better than you have ever known it before.  I was really stressed with work, trying to get Dallin done with school and trying to conceive.  Stress=infertility, right? Yeah, probably...so I decided I needed to take a break.  We went to Disneyland together and it was A-MA-ZING! It was like a 2nd honeymoon.  Dallin had just graduated and I was able to take time off of work and it came at the perfect time.  While in California I thought that I was pregnant!  It was crazy exciting!  My period was 3 days late. I took the pregnancy test at the hotel and negative result came screaming back to me.

Through the summer of 2013 Dallin continued to urge me to go see the Dr. I don't know if I was being stubborn or if I just didn't want to face it all.  I knew that it would begin a long process, and that process has begun.  Towards the end of the summer, and after a year of trying to conceive I went to the Women's Clinic.  The Dr. has been helpful. The waits have been long. And I will never cease to desire to be pregnant and give birth to our children.

A couple of weeks ago, Dallin gave me a beautiful blessing.  He encouraged me to begin a journal of my feelings regarding this process of infertility.  I had been debating about starting a blog for our little family anyway, and now here I am.  I hope that as we take this walk and continue this journey I will continue to have faith and that I will find peace in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I realize that we are SO early on in this journey, but it is a journey none-the-less, and it is our journey. 

“On this upward and sometimes hazardous journey, each of us meets our share of daily challenges. If we are not careful, as we peer through the narrow lens of self-interest, we may feel that life is bringing us more than our fair share of trials--that somehow others seem to be getting off more lightly.

But the tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to their own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed, and conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.”

― Jeffrey R. Holland, Created for Greater Things